everyone but me.

I used to speak endlessly about the demise of our eternal singledon with one of my friends. We were sit for hours and reassure one another, that it would in fact happen to us at one point. As we tried to convince ourselves, that it was society that had the problem, and definitely not us. 

Now all I can see are the continuous flow of pictures from her couples get away to Fiji with the boyf. And I can’t help but feel that I am left once again in the curtain awaiting my cue to share the spotlight, and partake in the mysterious and mythical concept of a ‘relationship’. 

I keep reassuring myself that it will happen at some point. The longer I go without however, makes me seriously consider that maybe it isn’t society and really is me. 

*sigh*

Damn

and just like that my hopes for a fun weekend die.

Question

Can someone just explain to me what it actually feels like to have another human love you? The no makeup, just got out of bed, haven’t showered in 2 days - the raw, uncut, take or leave it version of you?

time waster

Sitting in bed all alone on a Saturday night, wasting away my youth. 

All I really want is someone to lay with me and mutually waste away our youths together. 

Regret?

Finally figuring out what you want to do with your life at 24 is intimidating. I’m overwhelmed by the mere thought that I’m going to be studying until I’m 30. Not to mention that enormous financial debt I’m in for.

I wish that when I was 18 and just out of school I had the courage to listen to myself and take charge of my life. Instead I fell into the trap of doing something I was good at, not something that I necessarily loved. I was so focused on pleasing my family, being like my brother and getting through each day like a normal functioning human. It was exhausting. And after 6 years I finally feel a sigh of relief as I admit to others and to myself that I was never happy.

I hope that my choices lead to ultimate happiness. I hope I stop clinging to the pathetically hopeless idea of a man in my life making me happy, and instead focus on reaching fulfilment within myself.

Epiphany

Everything changed last Thursday. I attended a breakfast meeting for one of the biggest marketing agencies in the world. Three-course sit down breakfast at the Melbourne Arts Centre – it went for approximately 2 hours and probably would have cost in excess of $50,000; given than over 300 people attended. At this meeting, various marketing gurus got up and spoke about what new innovations they were currently working on. I believe the words ‘electronic stubbie holder’ were used with child-like excitement. I myself cringed. Not just at the stubbie holder, but at the whole spectacle.

It was at this precise moment I realised that I would never be as passionate as these people were about consumer products. I would never have a fire burn in my belly by marketing a beer, or internet provider or sugary beverage. And then it hit me. I wasn’t cut out for this industry. My schooling and university life had prepared me for years ahead in the business world – Monday morning briefings, lunch meetings, winning clients – it all seemed to be just what I wanted, until I realised it wasn’t and never has been.

I went home on Thursday and thought about the money spent on that breakfast meeting. I thought about my friend who is a primary school teacher in the outer suburbs of Melbourne, hearing from some of her students that they didn’t have enough money to eat breakfast that morning or dinner the night before. I thought about the amazing talent of people sitting in that room, and that the fruit of their labour was a glorified beer holder. I was angry. At the industry. That I was working in it. And that no one else seemed to think that there was problem with any of this.

On Friday I began researching post-graduate courses. I wanted out of the egotistical consumer industry and into something that I was actually passionate about, and something that made me feel like I was actively contributing to society and a better world. Yesterday I applied to obtain my psychology degree. I have hopes of then further applying in a Master of counselling. I plan on conducting volunteer work and to stop caring about climbing the corporate ladder and watching my pay rise. I don’t care anymore.

As long as I can eat, and live with a roof over my head, I don’t care. I want to go to work every day and feel something. I want to feel like me getting out of bed in the morning is going to make a difference to someone’s life. I cannot believe how clearly I am seeing things for the first time. I am ready to change my life’s direction.

Goodbye corporate soullessness. It was never a pleasure…

Scared

I’m finally seeing things clearly now. I’m just scared of the people who will try and send my mind into confusion again.

I need to remember. It’s my life. And I’m the one that’s going to have to live it. I’m strangely frightened and excited at the at same time.

I hope my dreams don’t come crashing down because of what other people think my life should be

Ugh

I honestly need some proof that a guy can talk to you in bar without being a complete and total wanker.

I have yet to be impressed by the quality of conversation made available to me by the male species in a public forum.

Pick up your game. Fuck

Nothing speaks to me more than this photoset

Nothing speaks to me more than this photoset

*sigh*

After my super depressing weekend where I lay in bed feeling sorry for myself, I woke up this morning to find another person I went to high school with got engaged.

This behaviour needs to stop. It makes me feel bad about my life and the lack of someone asking me to marry them.

End it now.

quiet night

I spent all Friday and Saturday night this weekend lying in bed watching Dexter and reading Ted Bundy’s biography. I would be lying if I said I had a terrible time.

On Monday at work, people will ask me what I did on the weekend, I am going to have to lie, otherwise (this is based on past experiences) people will give me disapproving stares and snide comments about me being young and how I should be going out on the weekend and enjoying my youth with my ‘friends’.

I’m in a dark stage at the moment. I can’t see any light. I feel destined for unhappiness and forever loneliness. I am so lonely that is physically hurts sometimes. I feel broken and unfixable. I feel like no one will ever want to come along and claim the mess that is me.

Afraid of loneliness. And yet, it is the only way I know how to live. My loneliness has become a crutch. A safe place. My sadness has become addictive and I can’t see any way of out this catch 22.

i feel empty and broken and like nothing in world can ever make me feel whole again. there is something inherently wrong with me. and its scares me. i scare myself 

I feel sad and out of touch today and I dont know why?

Observe

When I’m on public transport I am probably the only person who doesn’t have their face glued to their telephone screen. I am instead creepily staring at people. People on public transport facinate me. I think about what they had for breakfast, if they are in a relationship and they left home feeling loved that morning and whether they are happy people.

I also can’t help but notice couples on public transport. I observe their conversations without words and their connection that they have above anyone else around them. It facinates me.

It also makes me think… I can’t actually fathom what that would feel like. What does it actually feel like to have someone love you back? To see someones face in a crowded restaurant or sidewalk and feel relief and happiness? To have someone casually put their arm around you or grab your hand and you immediately feel safe and loved..

It’s these little things that I feel I am missing. Will I ever get to experience any of it? Maybe not. I keep telling myself that it’s going to be ok, and that relationships aren’t for everyone. But I just want to know ONCE for ONE day what it feels like.

And then I can go back to my bitter sad lonely existance.

My shrine.

My shrine.