The stuff of nightmares

Just went bikini shopping in preparation for my European adventure in a couple of weeks

$180 spent on some tiny pieces of material that make me feel terrible about myself. Awesome

In case you ever wondered what I actually look like.

Chances are though I will delete the photo in a couple of hours due to the crumpling anxiety I have of sharing my face on any kind of media outlet

In case you ever wondered what I actually look like.

Chances are though I will delete the photo in a couple of hours due to the crumpling anxiety I have of sharing my face on any kind of media outlet

So this was my morning. How was yours?

So this was my morning. How was yours?

FACT: My thighs are never NOT going to touch 

I see my future in Mindy.. sans the successful career unfortunately. 

I see my future in Mindy.. sans the successful career unfortunately. 

Couldn’t do it.

So I spoke to my brother. I had initially attempted the subtle approach, until I realised that some boys and in particular my brother, don’t respond so well to subtly. I told him outright - and demanded a yes or no answer. 

He kept looking at me dumbfounded, and laughing and saying ‘I don’t know’ over and over again. I told him that he could think about it and get back to me… but he did need to get back to me. 

When I hounded him days later about whether he had thought about it, he said ‘not really’. (Could he be more of a boy..?) I then asked if that was because it was maybe thing… and then he ‘No’.. 

I asked, “No, as is yes or no is ‘no’” - He told me ‘No’. 

I asked why… and he responded with .. “Don’t know” (How articulate)

I met up with my friend for dinner tonight - I was nervous, I didn’t know what to say. 

So I completely chickened out, and didn’t say anything. I felt her living in blissful hopefulness and ‘maybe’ was better than a NO - it’s never going to happen. 

I feel terrible. Like the worst friend in the world.. although there is no blame on me.

*sigh* 

today

Today is the day I have the ‘talk’ with my brother about dating my friend. It’s about the approach of the situation and how I ease into the topic. Nothing would make me happier than reporting good news back to my friend, but at the same I refuse to get ahead of myself. 

I understand that she didn’t want to put me into this situation, but without it being her fault, she has. She can’t help the way she feels. 

Wish me luck on delivering happiness to two people I care very deeply about. 

truth.

I’m on a new diet called don’t fucking look at me

(Source: ghore)

Let it in

Sometimes I’m so scared of myself and my distain for my own body image. I feel like I have muffled the voice of the constant critic for so long, that if I just let it out and run wild it would cause all kinds of devastation.

To stay I hate my body is an understatement. I despise, detest and resent the body I was given. Dieting and exercise seem meaningless and stupid and never seem to have any affect.
I am not overweight in the traditional sense.. I am disproportionate, I have cellulite, I am the very essence of what does not belong on a magazine.

I will never have the figure I want.. I will never be able to wear all the clothes I want and I will NEVER feel confident or happy in a bikini

I know there are million things you can tell me to make me feel better about my body.. But sometimes I just want to whinge and complain and own my anger towards myself

And today is one of those days

Car Seat Confessions

So my best friend just unloaded on me that she has been in love with my brother for the last year and was terrified that I wouldn’t approve. 

Although the idea of my best friend and my brother dating has awesome repercussions for me, should the relationship be successful.. it could also end in tragedy and eternal awkwardness, should it not. 

She was unsure about how the situation should be approached; and hadn’t really thought it through past telling me this dying secret of hers. 

My brother and I do NOT have the kind of relationship where we talk freely about dating and partners - and honestly, I like it that way. 

I just don’t want to be put in the situation where my brother says ‘no’ and I’m stuck being the bad guy and delivering this news to my friend. I feel torn and confused. 

Help!?

it.

sometimes you just have that special something with someone. things can happen, people can change, but at the end of the day, whatever it was that drew you together in the first place is always going to be there. 

I don’t think there will ever be a happy ending to the story. but as long as we acknowledge the place of each other in our lives, then I think we can have a realistic and worthwhile friendship.

Finding out my cousin and her boyfriend bought a house together in the same week that I’m invited to someone’s engagement I went to high school with, was just a little much for me.
How come everyone is growing up and having lives, and I still act like I’m 12 (although with a lot more drinking) 
let’s all take a minute and feel sorry for me (cue the tiny violin pity party orchestra) 

Finding out my cousin and her boyfriend bought a house together in the same week that I’m invited to someone’s engagement I went to high school with, was just a little much for me.

How come everyone is growing up and having lives, and I still act like I’m 12 (although with a lot more drinking) 

let’s all take a minute and feel sorry for me (cue the tiny violin pity party orchestra) 

Stalker much?

Got served today but a super cute guy at brunch..
And there was definitely something there.
Just happened to search the tag of the cafe and stumbled upon his Instagram..
And sometimes I really wish I could be that girl to do something about it.
Although it does look kind of creepy..

Damn those gorgeous blue eyes..

everyone but me.

I used to speak endlessly about the demise of our eternal singledom with one of my friends. We would sit for hours and reassure one another, that it would in fact happen to us at one point. As we tried to convince ourselves, that it was society that had the problem, and definitely not us. 

Now all I can see are the continuous flow of pictures from her couples get away to Fiji with the boyf. And I can’t help but feel that I am left once again in the curtain awaiting my cue to share the spotlight, and partake in the mysterious and mythical concept of a ‘relationship’. 

I keep reassuring myself that it will happen at some point. The longer I go without however, makes me seriously consider that maybe it isn’t society and really is me. 

*sigh*

Damn

and just like that my hopes for a fun weekend die.